Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
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My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.