when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
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My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses