I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
You Might Also Like
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”