Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
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Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there