When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
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NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
12. I think about this all the damn time
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”