Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
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*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Home #decor warning.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*