Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
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Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Straight people are cancelled
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!