Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
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I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida