* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
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Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Meanwhile in Portland…