I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
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Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.