I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
You Might Also Like
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.