Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani