you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
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Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.