mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
You Might Also Like
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too