ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
You Might Also Like
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever