Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
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“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Penguins walking in 5x speed
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes