My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
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Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
#ParentingFacts
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray