[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
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Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Go hard or stay average
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.