If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
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BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
welp
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?