Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
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Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
May your day taste like creamy soup.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Sorry. Not sorry
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
lmao
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses