My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
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I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell