Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
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Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids