I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
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@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job