Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
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both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
lmfao
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it