my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
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#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face