Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them