I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
You Might Also Like
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse