[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
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Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Happens to everyone.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.