I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
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If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.