I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
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first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
bury ourselves
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good