I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
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EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Close call…
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I feel attacked.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Um … Hot Wings please
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.