I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
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Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer