I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
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POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?