Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
You Might Also Like
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
the red hot silly peppers
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still