not for long
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I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
The Book. The Movie.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
this has to be peak English
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars