I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills