like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
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This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
We all have our pet causes.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?