Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
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Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit