“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.