Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
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Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
me opening up to someone
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.