If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
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1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.