I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
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If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
A new level of troll.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.