Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
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who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.