i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Mmmm canned fish.
This is a bad sign
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[at the general store]
me: one general please
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.