My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Do not go gentle into that good night,
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.