And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
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Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.