FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
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@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.