Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
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My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
why would tinder want me to say this
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.