I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
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Sooo many times…..
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year