I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
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Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best